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I mean, I remember Dad one time, when they had... their fiftieth wedding anniversary was at the Princeton Country Club in Princeton, New Jersey. And the man who had, was the butcher, they took our chickens. He said, "I'm going to make the dinner for you, for your fiftieth, I mean, the luncheon, dinner, for you, for your fiftieth anniversary." I thought, oh dear, I wonder why he did that for? Well, it turns out Dad had helped him and his wife develop Mrs. Banani's Frozen Food. If you look in Dad's resume, he has gone to the Wharton School of Business, so he was able to help advise and how to set up their business and it was successful. And I didn't know that until when I asked the question, why would Mr. and Mrs. Bananai do that for you? And then Mother said, "Don't forget, you did something for their nephew." I said, "What did you do for the nephew?" The nephew wanted to open a carwash indoors in Trenton in a building that had been not used for anything, and it was (now) a blight. So they wanted to put an indoor carwash, and New Jersey said no. So my father goes in and checks it out the structure. And as a structural engineer and so on, he writes up his report. It shows that it's a solid building and should be allowed to be a carwash. So it became a carwash. So they gave free carwashes to three people: the chief of police, the head of the fire department, and my dad. So two of them were roles, and one's a person. So he always had a free carwash.

But, you know, I forgot about all these relationships were there, and he was very active in the rotary bringing Japanese students to the United States and having American Rotarians send their children to Japan, so he had supported that. So he was a Japanese American, I think. Oh, the one things I wanted to tell you about his character is that impressed me. When I was little, he had to learn about sharing things, have to be exactly the same that they gave to a boy and girl, so it was pencil boxes that he bought from the office. Because they only used German type of pencils to do drawings at that time. And they came in these metal boxes, for a dozen pencils, and then they'd throw 'em away. So Dad would pick them up and bring them home and he gave them to my brother the first time. I screamed and yelled, "That's not fair," I was devastated. And my mother came out and I remember them having a conversation, and they agreed that everything would be exactly what he's what he's going to give to him, give to her, okay. So Dad realized that boys and girls, the men and women, were equal. All right. So that was clear. But then, he came up to my college, and for Father/Daughter day, I thought he cared more for my brother than he cared for me. But he came out for Father/Daughter weekend, and I thought, "Isn't that nice?" So I remember we were sitting in the room, and we were Freshman Father/Daughter, Sophomore Father/Daughter, and so there were four couples in there. And I remember all the American couples, fathers were kidding their daughters, kidding, putting their arms around them, giving them hugs. After that trip, whenever my father saw me, he would give me a hug. I mean, that was so surprising. And I told my sister about that. She said, "Really? He's always hugged me." Well, of course, she was only eleven years old at that time. So she didn't know there was a time that he never gave hugs. And so it was like an aha moment for her, and his ability to change.

And I think that he was able to grow when he saw things that were different, like when he went back to Japan. He saw that the samurai, his relatives, were talking to the (locals) in Japanese, and he saw it all over Japan. So when he came back to this country, whenever we went to a restaurant, Japanese women would struggle, and he wouldn't help them. And my mother would always say, "Well, could you say a few words or something?" No, no, no. And then he came back and he talked, my brother and I said, looked at each other and said, "What happened?" He said, "Well, they do it in Japan." We said, "Oh, maybe you should go back more often." But he was able to grow with the times (although) he was stuck in 1924 when he came over here. So when he went to Japan, we could see and hear about the differences over time. But I think that was (his) good nature.

In the end, he had dementia like his sister, and they came and lived with me. My mother was blind and my father had dementia. So I had two little kids, and so a house of six with four needy people (that) was kind of a challenge. But when I took him to a special place for brain damaged people, they always called him "the gentlemen," because he was always polite and he was always kind to others. So if he wanted to walk out the door, then they had this thing attached to his clothing, it beeps like if you're stealing clothes, it was that kind. So (someone would) run over and say, "Oh, gentleman, we were just to have coffee, and wondering if you could join us." "Oh my, thank you. I would love to join you." And so he turns about, and he's not going out the door anymore, and he comes back in, and he's so appreciative to everybody, everybody liked him. So it was, we saw his basic character being very kind when he got dementia. Some people get angry, he got kinder, and that was very interesting. And my brother, being a psychiatrist, one day took the children out to Levi Plaza Park, they had a stream there. And my father was sitting on the bench humming Handel's Messiah with a big smile on his face. I tell my brother he was so thrilled, and, "Oh, that's so exciting." Why is that so exciting?" Because the people with dementia can only track on one thing at a time. So he made tapes of Handel's Messiah, and similar music he knew my dad would like. He said at some point Dad's going to get upset. And so you put on this music, since he can only track on one thing at a time, he'll be okay. And it worked. He was sure that the boats were going to bump into the bridge and he had to call the mayor. And I said, "Dad, just a minute, I'll call the mayor when I get back, and let me go to the bathroom." I put on the music, and when I came back, he was just listening to it. And I have been able to help other (caretakers of people) that have dementia find out what your person with dementia loves, and you will be able to help them overcome these bumpy spots where they get anxious.

VY: You know, you had said at one point that your dad was a lifelong learner, and it seems like he was in many ways, and it seems like you are, too.

MM: Oh, yes. My mother and my brother, we all are, that's our family. Because when you have nothing, and you have to start making something, you have always accommodate for the situation. So how can it be? And that was, yes. And my mother's yearbook called her "Questions," so she was always asking questions, yes. And she loved learning. You know, if you've ever gone to an engineering meeting, an engineers meeting, engineers are deadly dull. I don't know why, some people are talkers, but engineers aren't. but my mother would go to this meeting and she would end up talking to this man or having this man talk. I said, "Mom, how do you do that?" And she said, "You know, you have to find out what they like, and just get them started talking and they will, and they will have a great time. Usually they don't have an opportunity to talk like that and tell you their passions." [Laughs] So she had it figured out, she was a big people person.

VY: That's very clear, yeah.

<End Segment 23> - Copyright © 2022 Densho. All Rights Reserved.