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TF: Well, I can read you a piece about... I wrote a piece once called "Conversations with My Mother About Love." Should I read it to you?

SY: I would love to hear it.

TF: Okay, and then we can discuss my mother. I'm going to do it with a slight accent, and I haven't looked at this in a long time. But one Mother's Day I had my children come over to have Mother's Day, and then they're all set to go out right away and I said, "No, no. Part of your coming here today is 'cause I wrote a piece about my mother and I want to share it with you." When my mother came to visit with me, she told me this story. If it were a performance piece, you would see my mother drinking tea. "I so happy when I come visit with you and husband. So nice. Oh, because you happy now. You have good life, good husband. All time you kiss, kiss, say, 'I love you.' Never see like that before in my family. No. I not touch your father before I met him. I not know him. We have baishakunin, marriage broker, arrange marriage. When I young, love was not necessary for marriage. To live with respect for parents of all important. Honor important. To survive was hard. Your father was good man, hard worker. Marriage, very hard, not easy. Not fun, not bad, not happy. Is way of life. Necessary. You say you be wife. You be wife. Many Japanese men in old days like Papa, so bossy, so grumpy. Always think their way, right way. They think women should obey, do everything they say. That only way I know. My father died when I was very young. He loved my mother like your husband love you. So my mother, your grandmother, was happy only short time in life. You be good to husband because he very special man, like Taisho, important person like a general. Oh, he so kind, so nice, so thoughtful. He always thinking how he can make you happy.

First time my mother marriage was arranged, baishakunin marriage. She have a baby boy, my older brother. Mother's husband love another woman and have baby with that woman, too. He tell my mother, 'Go away. Go another town,' but must leave baby boy with him. Husband no want her anymore. He want to live with girlfriend and their baby. Mother's own family tell her she should do what husband want and go live in another city. Mother left little village outside Hiroshima by herself and go to live in big city, Tokyo. She find job in factory. In time, she meet man who work same company, man with important job. He want to marry your grandmother, my mother, but his parents say no. His parents tell him, 'She not of same class. She married before and have baby and husband not want her.' They forbid marriage. In time I was born. My daddy so good to me. I remember he always take me to barber shop with him. When he gets face shave, he have my face shave, too. That's why I shave every day. Makes me think of Daddy, of happy times together. Daddy wants to marry Mother but his parents still say no. In few years, my baby brother is born. Once more, Daddy goes back to his parents' home in another city to beg permission to marry my mother, but still his parents say no. When he visiting with his parents, he gets pneumonia and die. I know when he die. One night when I sleeping, he came in my dream to tell me he love me, but he cannot see me again. I know he dead. Mother go back to village outside Hiroshima to live with her mother, your grandmother. My mother so kind, so good in her heart, but grandmother very mean to us. She feel we bring much shame for her. She feel shame when she sees us. My father's parents try to take us away from my mother, but this time Mother very strong and say no. She say she never give us up. She already lose first son to first husband. Mother needs work, so she work very hard as midwife, never home. Only mean Grandmother look after us.

Mother still beautiful and look young, and one day, a rich merchant come to house and ask her to marry. My young brother and I could hear him talking in next room. When we hear he want to marry her, my brother and I, we so excited, we pray so hard she will say yes. We hold hands, pray together, 'Please, please, Namu Amida Butsu, please say yes.' Then, quietly, we could hear her say, 'No.' She still love our father. She say he was so good to her, she never forget him. She never marry again. Love, I remember. Long time ago, I was so young. I used to sit outside house sewing by hand. I used to see young man. We say hello and talk. Just hello and talk. When I think about him, my heart so happy, then sad. Always feel connection from heart. This kind of love you talk about, it makes sun shine in your heart. Our whole body feel good. I remember I wanted to make him smile. I wanted to make him laugh, I wanted to make his heart and body happy. I wanted everything be so good for him. He tell me he love me, he want to marry me, but no can do. His family say no, they not accept me. They not accept my family. He tell his parents that he never marry anybody else. We so sad. I think, 'How can he ever really be happy then?' What can I do? So when I hear that faraway Cousin Chukuro come back from America to look for wife, I let baishakunin know that if Chukuro like me, I go to America with him. I think maybe it's good idea if I go far, far away, so my friend can forget me. So he can have full life, can marry, be happy, have a family. I hope and hope that Chukuro choose me so my friend can fall in love with another woman his family will approve of. To be his wife, to have children, forget me and be happy.

Chukuro, your father, choose me. We marry. When we leave village to catch train in Hiroshima, your father put suitcase in wheelbarrow and we have long walk to train station. As Chukuro, your father, and I are walking to train station, my girlfriend comes to say goodbye at outskirts of village. She gives me letter from man I love. In letter he say he's sorry. He never forget me. He love me. I look up the hill and he is standing at the very top. He looks so far away, so small. When he sees me, he looks up. When he saw me look up, he bows very low to me. Your father was a good man. He knew about my friend but never jealous, never mean. Did I learn to love your father? Not like you love your husband and not like I loved my friend, but your father and I stayed married for fifty-five years. We survived together. It was okay."

That's the piece I wrote, and then years later, I went to Hiroshima and I spoke to my cousin, and I told him that my mother told me about this story and how there was a man that she loved. Then he said, "I have a secret that I was told never to divulge, but I'm older now and my mother was dead, my father was dead, I only had one living sister, and he made me promise not to tell her. She's still alive, but I'm going to tell you." My mother had a child with this man. And she left that child, which is my brother, in Japan, and he had a very troubled, unhappy life. Of course, he had to feel very abandoned, and her mother took care of him. And then when she went back to Japan, everybody was dead. It was after World War II. So that's the story of my mother. And so when I think of her, she was, she talked about when she got over to this country, and she would look at the moon. I didn't understand then. She would look and, of course, she didn't have a wonderful place to stay. They stayed in a barn with animals first, and she would cry and cry. But I thought it was... that's why I think she was always saying , just always to careful, don't do anything that you're not supposed to. And she had a very unhappy life in that way, and her mother had the same kind of unhappy life, she lost a son, my mother lost a son, and I'm sure she didn't want any of her children to go through that pain and here we were, all girls in our family.

<End Segment 2> - Copyright © 2011 Densho. All Rights Reserved.