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MN: There is one question I've been a little hesitant to ask. You shared about, just as an example of what your stepfather had done to you, and I don't know if you feel comfortable about sharing the story about the candy and how...

TS: Oh.

MN: Do you feel comfortable sharing that one example?

TS: Hey, look. I didn't do anything wrong. My stepfather was a brutal, sadistic man. And I found out recently that my stepfather didn't have no glorious childhood either. He was raised as, from an orphan, and so on and so forth, so, but my father was very sadistic. And when he married my mother there were five of us, but subsequently he had three kids of his own, and he resented us because we were a burden to him. And he kept saying, "I'm not your father. Why don't you go and find your real father and have him support you financially?" Etcetera. And I didn't even know what my father looked like, where he was or anything. But my stepfather was, he loved his own kids, so he would come home every so often and he would bring a bag of, he would buy a bag of candy and he would take a big handful of candy and give it to his son, a big handful of candy to his daughter, and another handful of candy to his third son. Then he would take one candy out and say, "Do you want a candy, Toru?" And I knew what that meant. If I wanted the candy I'd have to get on my knees and do choudai, put your hands together like this. And I refused to do that. So, I mean, not that I didn't want the candy. I refused to do that. But so he goes to my brother Walter, and my brother Walter would do what he was supposed to do, get on his knees and do choudai and he would give him one candy. He would do the same thing to my brother Ben. My brother Ben would do that. And, and then he'd come to me and say, "Why don't you want a candy?" I said, "I don't want one." And he'd smack me in the head. He'd say, "Now do you want a piece of candy?" I said, "No." Bam. He knocked the shit outta me. And my, to this day, my brothers, my brother just below me used to say, "Toru, why don't you just gave in and take the goddamn candy? Get on your fuckin' knees and do choudai and take the candy and avoid all this shit?" Well, I'm different from my brother. I wasn't gonna take that shit. He could, he used to walk away, tired of beating me, but I never caved in and said, "Okay, I'll kiss your ass. I'll take the candy." I would say, "Fuck you. You could beat me to death, but I ain't gonna cave in and do this bullshit." Just for a piece of candy? I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it for that or the beatings, so I always was the winner. I had the sore head, but I was always the winner.

And for those, for... just thinking about that, I kinda feel like those were my own little victories. It was painful. It was degrading, but I guess I, I don't know, for whatever reason I was not gonna cave in. And I never did. All through my life, I just refused to take that kinda shit and cave in and say, "Yeah, I'll kiss your ass. Gimme the, gimme the little candy." Fuck you. I'm, maybe I, at that time I knew I was better than that, I didn't even realize it. Anyway, that's my stepfather for you. In fact, my, my therapist told me, who was a child psychologist, he worked at Patton State Hospital and he told me, he said he had never heard of, read of a case study where a stepfather or father was more sadistic and brutal and mean as my stepfather was. And I thought, Jesus Christ, what a hell of a, what a hell of a... am I supposed to be proud that my, there was no stepfather that he ever heard of, read of a case study where a stepfather was more sadistic than my stepfather? I guess it kind of explains why I'm the way I am today. Thank God I survived it all, but long, long ago, I have to tell you, I was able to forgive my stepfather, long after he was dead and gone. I was able to forgive him because I realized, by being able to forgive him for all the shit he did to me I was able to rise above him. When you're hating and hating and whatever, people, you're down below and they're up above you. Shit, I look down on my stepfather and people like that. I'm way above them. So that was one of those hard lessons in life that I learned. I'm glad I'm alive to tell you about it today.

MN: So are we. Thank you for sharing your stories.

TS: I appreciate it. I appreciate the chance.

MN: Thank you very much.

<End Segment 20> - Copyright © 2010 Densho. All Rights Reserved.