<Begin Segment 12>

MN: Well, Toru, you're, you're unusual in the sense that you're very open about being abused at a child at home. Japanese American families don't really talk about that publicly.

TS: Right.

MN: Do you think there was a lot more of that going on in camp and outside after?

TS: Well, as an, as an adult, when I worked at the clinic I learned that among Asians there's a lot of wife beating going on, but of course they don't advertise that. I always thought I was the only one until I found out there are other, I heard of one case where this guy told me his father never spoke to him, never. Never spoke, never acknowledged him and it screwed him up. And I said, well, that's sad, but... and I was happy, I was kinda relieved in some ways to know that I'm not the only one that, but I never heard of a case where somebody was livin' like I had to live. Life was so painful. I just kept saying I'd rather kill myself. This life, this life is too hard to live every day. There was no, there was never any promise of anything changing in the future. It was really bleak. And I, thinking back on it, I don't, I don't know how the hell I survived lots of times. It would've been easier to just kill myself. I had it all planned out. I would dive out of our second story building headfirst. I said that surely would kill me. Or I would dive in front of those four wheels, those four wheels on the right side of a semi truck. There was a, there was, one, two buildings from our building in Richmond was San Pablo Avenue, and there was a corner where I would go there and hang on this pole that said San Pablo Avenue, Fall Avenue and I would just cry my eyes out 'cause my stepfather'd just beat the shit out of me. And I used to always think, this big truck would stop at the stop sign and then those four tires were right there, and I used to always say when the light turns green and that car, truck starts, if I dove in front of those two tires, four tires, I'd be deader than shit. And I thought about it and thought about it, but for some reason I never did it. I don't know. I really don't know why I didn't do it, but I'm glad I didn't.

I've had, as an adult I met, I have lots of good friends. It's been the celebration of my life. I have, today, I have amazing friends who are, these, these friends of mine are, are, today, this morning my friend I used to work with, psychiatrist friend of mine, came over to have, to have coffee with me. And he's been doing this for the last three or four weeks. Every Wednesday, he said, "Toru, I'm gonna come over and help you in your garden. I'm gonna hang out with you. We'll have coffee. We'll chat." And then he'll leave. And, and I have so many friends who are really, really accomplished friends and I really admire them. I look up to them and I, I wonder all the time, what in the hell are they doing with me? [Laughs] What do I have that would attract these people that are highly competent, successful in their field, they're super bright, loving, beautiful people. So I don't know. It's a big mystery to me.

<End Segment 12> - Copyright © 2010 Densho. All Rights Reserved.